How gaining 50 pounds made me appreciate my body

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for awhile, but I haven’t because honestly I didn’t think anyone would read it. Well now we’re in quarantine and it’s my blog so I can do what I want (but I hope you like it).

So as many of you know, I used to be a skinny little mini. 5 years ago, little baby Clark was just going into college and weighed a wopping 155 pounds standing 5’8” tall. I was very healthy and athletic and transitioning into college, but I also feel the need to mention that I lost about 15 pounds before I got into college because I went through a toxic breakup and coped with it by not eating much at all.

^^Das me home during my freshman year of college and my baby Colbi who is very old right now^^^

Now, I weigh about 200 pounds. I recently lost almost 20 pounds too. I gained all this weight over the span of 2 years. A lot of it was from stress eating from anxiety I was facing in college. My answer to a lot of things during my last 2 years of college was “Who cares?”. I didn’t feel like cooking? Who cares? I didn’t feel like working out? Who cares? I want to binge drink at home because I’m sad? Absolutely. I stopped working out as much and boom! There I was, graduating college at 220 pounds.

I don’t look much different from that photo almost a year ago (wow I can’t believe it’s been a year) and honestly, I’m not upset about it at all. I look back at that girl in the top photo and think holy cow you have no idea what your life is about to be like. I’m sitting here tearing up just thinking about it.

Gaining all this weight wasn’t helpful with the sadness and stress I was dealing with in my life. When I was graduating, I finally had the space to look at myself in the mirror and be like wow…. who are you? My body was so foreign to me and I was in the worst shape I had ever been in. I know I wasn’t at an unhealthy weight or obese by any means, I just had never been so unhealthy before. I was so weak and tired. I didn’t even know how to deal with this body and I felt so defeated.

I expected to graduate and spend the summer lounging on the beaches and looking hot and feeling amazing. Little did I know I would go to Hawaii and not fit into most of the clothes I had to pack. I didn’t know how exhausting it would be to go on a hike. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I would feel in bathing suits.

Fast forward a few months, I have started my first adult job that I hate and I moved to city where I know no one but my boyfriend who is depressed and unemployed. My savings are dwindling trying to support us and not much has changed in our lives since graduating except a little more chaos. It was at this point something clicked inside of me that said, “WAKE YO ASS UP!” (If you don’t know this TikTok reference please get the app for the love of God it’s great).

I finally had the reality check that my life was passing me by. This time I was supposed to spend living my best life was being spent with me being lazy, self demeaning, and toxic. I worked hard to get healthy. I started reading again, I tried to get to the gym more, I started journaling, I started drawing more, I just did all the things I knew would make me feel good. It was crazy how from October to January I had become a whole new person.

Even just in a few short weeks, I saw how much I loved this new body I had been given (The 220 pound one). Today, I am down 20 pounds since the beginning of the new year, but the only reason I know that is because I’ve checked my weight twice. My goal is not to get back to 18 year old me! My goal is to grow into 23 year old me. That body back then was kept that way through hours of working out that I do not have anymore. That body did not have the hormones I have now that I’m older. That body hadn’t seen the horrible mess that would be older her. This body that I have now is so much better. It is curvy, it is healthy, it is strong, it is so so so smart, it is happy.

The body I have may look fat to a lot of the outside world, but this body is training for a half marathon. This girl is running several businesses. This mind practices gratitude and loves to draw and journal. These eyes have read more books in 3 months than they did in the last 3 years. My body now is not a size 6, but it is so beautiful as a size 14. It is so strong. It has seen some shit and it’s still going.

I am so grateful that I found out that I was worth working on. I work on my body not because I’m trying to get skinny. I keep doing this because I know I can and I should! You are the only person making excuses for why you aren’t doing it. It’s going to be hard, that is a given, but what will be harder? Being miserable or working on yourself?

-Cheers